what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You left your phone here
Wait...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
