How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize