Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
