and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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