Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
