you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
