Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
