i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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