ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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