So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
