No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize