i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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