I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
