my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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