Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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