The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
