a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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