If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
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