I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize