call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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