this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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