Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Small penises have feelings too.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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