ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize