i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize