dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
high people should be assigned attendants
love makes seman taste better
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Come on in and take your pants off
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