Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
