so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
