i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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