Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
