Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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