were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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