I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
