I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize