I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
