It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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