I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
