I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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