awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she smelled like a LAN party
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
