Umm I'm too high to move.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
