i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
