Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
