I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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