I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
