a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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