once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
