you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
