My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
