did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
