everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
