You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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