Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
