drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
