Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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