i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
