Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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