my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
