Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
