i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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