Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
