You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
