i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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