I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
