last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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