my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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