Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
