What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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