Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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