There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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