Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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