R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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