I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
