I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
