Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
